I’ve been having a hard time putting my final thoughts and words in place in regards to our Ecuador trip. I think that is normal for me… the non-finisher. But I also sense that it is good to work through thoughts and figure out a “so what?!” kind of idea about significant experiences. So this will be my attempt to figure out “so what”…

sigh. and still I don’t know where to start.

Sitting in church on Sunday morning this whole post crafted itself before my eyes, and then as soon as I stood to leave, it seemed to leave me as well. I had an internal battle during the last song, whether to sit down and write notes to myself, or stand and worship. Worship won out so I assume that was right and the necessary thoughts will slowly filter back in. Or not. Wouldn’t be anything new!

I’ve worked for well over an hour, writing and deleting, writing and deleting. There is so much I could say on the work of Compassion, the cycle of poverty, the effects of poverty on children, what it means to release a child from poverty… each of those thoughts could easily become an essay. (or a rant, I heard I’m good at those!) I can’t quite seem to get my words and thoughts in order, it’s getting late and I am abandoning hope of it happening. I guess instead I will just post the words (some of which we sang on Sunday) that seemed to so perfectly answer the questions that surfaced during my week in Ecuador…

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
O’er us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conqu’rors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Christ in me – the hope of glory!

This post will be a day late (day 4 was 2 days late!), but I want to try to get it down before we leave. I already forget so much about yesterday! Hopefully Jon will do better blogging about it than I will! He usually does…

Yesterday we woke up in beautiful Otovalo, the birds singing over the lake… everything so lush and green. Before breakfast we walked around a little and took a few pictures. At breakfast each table was joined by a Leadership Development Student and a translator. We were blessed to spend the morning with a young man named Pablo, who is in university studying tourism. He was a remarkable guy, and shared his testimony with us. His local church and in particular his youth pastor played a HUGE role in his life, becoming his mentor and so close that he considers him his father figure (his father is absent). He seemed to be a godly young man with a passion for the Lord and the children of his community. He goes to school monday to friday and volunteers at his church project on the weekends.

We loaded up on the bus and headed to the world famous Otovalo markets, just wanted to support the local economy you know… We found a few small things for our kids, and an alpaca blanket (because I heard they are awesome… and yes, Dean got one for you Marg!). Jon wanted a machete (of course), but we couldn’t find any.

After Otovalo we began a long drive into the mountains to visit a Child Survival Project that one of the pastor’s on the trip was supporting (his church). A Child Survival Project is like a pre-sponsorship program that works with expectant mothers and mothers with little ones up to age 4. This church has 40 mother-child units that they are currently serving.

To get up to this project our bus had to do some serious work. There were a few moments where the mud and rocks were kind of slipping away down the cliff side as we made our climb. More than one pastor’s wife was leaning hard in the opposite direction, and whispering some prayers I bet as well. The view was incredible!! But finally, the bus had reached as far as it could go without some locals helping put stones and some wood under the tires to help it get enough traction to continue up. So we all piled out and walked the rest of the way to the project. Wow. I hope the pictures from yesterday turn out because we were really in an indigenous community yesterday! The church was kind of perched on the side of the mountain, and the mothers and babies had gathered again in lines for us to greet them as we came towards the church. Even though it looked like a similar welcome from what we had received before, it actually felt very different. The mothers were so shy, it was hard to interact with them. They were very sweet, with their babies strapped to their backs and their beautiful colourful clothing… but so so so shy. Andrea, our guide, explained that especially in the highlands self esteem and self worth in women is very low. They view themselves as just a tool of their husbands, there to make babies and keep the house. One of the project aims is to encourage the women, teach them how precious they are in God’s eyes and help them learn skills that can allow them to be more productive.

When we arrived in the church we were able to learn all about the program and hear from the promoters (women who visit and train the mothers) about their work. Their project has 2 promoters, both young women in their early twenties. They are volunteers (who work full time) visiting and training mothers. Each is responsible for 20 mothers, and are expected to visit 3 mothers a day for 3 weeks of the month. On the 4th week they write reports to track everything and work on curriculum for the next month. The program also provides resources for prenatal and postnatal checkups and medical care, and allows the women access to the hospital for birthing. (I’m a fan of home births, but from seeing the homes and understanding the lack of knowledge here, I can see why birthing in a hospital is the wisest and best choice in this area.)

When visiting the mothers, the promoters here often first have to teach them to read and write! About 90% of the mothers in the project there had not finished grade 3. They were almost entirely uneducated, and in order to be able to follow curriculum work later, they have to learn to read first. When the infants arrive, the promoters teach the women how to stimulate their children, infant massage, and all kinds of activities and health information that will benefit the children. Honestly… I can tell you first hand that this is necessary. One of the most startling and distressing things for me on this trip was walking by the row of women and babies as they welcomed us and looking into the eyes of the young children. I have never seen eyes so dull and unresponsive. The CSP program has only been around for 8 months in this area, so the majority of children we were seeing had not benefitted from the program. I think we assume that perhaps healthy mothering comes naturally… but without good nutrition and even basic understanding of what babies need by way of stimulation, irreparable damage is done. However, the infant of the home we visited that was 11 months old (and whose mother had been working with him for 8 months), his eyes were bright and alert, he was able to play peek-a-boo, reach for objects beyond his grasp, interact and smile at his parents prompting. Those may all sound normal, but I assure you that even these simple abilities only came through training in this community. It was startling and even a little devastating to be honest. It was easy to see why the Child Survival Program is so necessary here, because by 4 when a child is able to enter the Compassion sponsorship program, he could already be severely limited for life by poor nutrition and lack of stimulation.

At one point we split into groups and our group piled into the back of a pick up (it had high sides, so we all stood and held on to the rails for dear life!) and began a bumpy trip up a mountain side. We wound around and around and then when we got out we had to climb down the side of the mountainside on a narrow path through farm plots down to a little cinderblock home perched right on the side of the mountain. Inside were 3 little rooms (no running water or electricity), with a dirt floor. Here lived a little family… mother and father (20 and 21) with their dear little 11 month old son. The mother was very shy, and the baby was overwhelmed by all the people (probably 17 of us in total), crowded in her tiny home. The promoter helped her to show us a few of the activities they are working on with the baby and how she performs infant massage. The baby was scared with all of us around, so when he cried the mother began to nurse. In their culture there is no shame in being exposed while nursing, but obviously in ours it is a little more awkward. Of course no one was offended, but probably uncomfortable, and slowly the team began to file out of the home. I think they meant it for the mother and baby’s sake, but our guide became very stressed because everyone leaving would be insulting and embarrassing for the mother. There were a few tense moments, but we managed to get most people back in the house and we’re able to finish our visit well. Eventually we headed outside and shared a snack (the weirdest and grossest corn I have ever eaten) with the family, and left quite a bit for the family for later. At that point the father arrived home and greeted us so warmly. He went right for his baby and scooped him up with a big smile. The little mother clung to the back of the father’s shirt, and I can’t even describe what a sweet image it was to watch them. Their love and closeness was startling in a culture that struggles with absentee fathers and domestic abuse. The father had such pride as he showed us the games and activities he does with his son that they learned through the project.

Finally it began to rain, so we tried to quickly make our way down the mountain. We walked down part way, and rode down in the pick up the rest of the way to the church. We said our goodbye’s and then found we had to ride in the back of the pickups again part way down the big mountain, past the most dangerous places until we could board the bus. Our truck went first, and when we stopped and were waiting for the bus it started raining more heavily. The pastor waved us over to little caves in the side of the mountain where we waited for the bus to come. It was a fun experience!

It took about 2 hours to reach our hotel back in Quito, where we enjoyed a late dinner at a fancy hotel restaurant. Jon and I were both pretty disappointed in the portion sizes. We aren’t really fancy restaurant people… I like normal food and hearty amounts of it!

We we FINALLY got to settle in our room for the evening, we discovered that our passports and Jon’s wallet was missing. We hadn’t seen them since the morning before, and Jon could not remember for the life of him exactly where he put them. We didn’t know if they were misplaced, lost, or stolen! Thus began several hours of searching, praying, googling the consulate in Ecuador to figure out what to do… when finally they were discovered in some random pocket of luggage. Praise God! It would have been a nightmare to lose them!

I blame the whole dilemma on Geoff Moore. He is a musician travelling with us (remember him?)

Last time I saw him he was performing that song, and I was probably 14!

On this trip though, his first words to me in the airport were… “DO you have kids?” At my nod he finished with, “well, your husband isn’t one of them. Stop mothering him”. !!!!!

I sort of pride myself on not being too much of a naggy wife, so I was kind of taken aback and actually spent some time considering his words. He was joking, but he was kind of right. When it comes to travelling I am rather anal about passports and tickets. So I decided for once to lay off and leaven my very responsible and capable, though occasionally absent minded husband in charge. And what I learned is that sometimes an organized wife is the best gift a husband can have! So perhaps a bit of caution next time, Mr. Moore, when handing out rebukes to strangers! lol

We had another amazing day today, but that will have to wait until I get home to blog about. We are off to dinner now, and we fly out around 1 in the morning!!

Happy valentines day!

We are staying in the highlands of Ecuador tonight, in Otovalo (world famous for their souvenirs). It is beautiful here… But no Internet in our room, so this will have to be posted tomorrow night when we are back in Quito. Everyone wants to room next to us because Jon can create his own wireless network in our room, most of the pastors only brought cellphones and the hotel wireless only works in the lobby. So nice to be married to a techie sometimes!

So this morning we drove 2 hours into the mountains to visit a project in an indigenous area ( there are 2 main people groups here, the indigenous (native) people and the mestizo (Spanish and Indigenous)). The lovely people we met today still wear a more traditional form of dress, and speak a different language. I know what it’s called but if I tried to spell it I would make the biggest fool out of myself!

We were once again welcomed by all the children as we entered the project, but we did notice that they seemed much more shy and reserved than the children we met yesterday in Quito. Most of the girls were wearing long dark skirts with fancy white blouses, with full sleeves and colorful waistbands. They wore lots of gold beads around their necks and had colorful ties wrapped around their ponytails. Just beautiful!! The boys wore their hair very long and in ponytails or braided. The men’s clothing reminded me of our own native people, and they had such a distinct air of this quiet dignity. Its hard to describe, but both Jon and I found their ways very admirable.

We had the incredible blessing to visit a family today whose children attend this project. They family we visited had 2 sons in the project and 8 children in total. Only the boys who were enrolled in the Compassion project, Daniel and Raoul, are able to attend school. The family cannot afford to send the others. Daniel is 15 and just about the sweetest boy ever, so shy that he had a hard time making eye contact, but so dedicated to his family and his school work. He wants to be a doctor and says his b st subject is science. His dad says he works very hard to help the family with chores and whatnot. Daniel has been sponsored for 8 years and has never received a letter from his sponsor. It’s kind of a strange thing, I guess we don’t think an impersonal letter from a stranger can mean anything, so often we don’t make it a priority to write to our sponsored children. But then you meet a 15 year old boy and see his face when he says “no letter” and the sorrow and even maybe shame in that is overwhelming. His younger brother receives letters from his sponsor, he showed them all to us, but none for him. I could see he wonders why… And after seeing evidence that he has such a tender heart it is easy to see what even one letter would mean to him… What it would mean to hear, “i am praying for you” “i care about you” “Keep working hard, we are proud of you” …
Which made me think about how our boys in the DR and Haiti must feel. We have sponsored them for almost 8 years, and send letters so rarely. Does this make them feel sad? What words are they longing to hear that WE should be saying to them? Do they wonder if we care about them? Do we truly care about them? This question plagues me tonight. If I can’t make room for them in my life, for regular prayer and correspondence, do I really love them at all? Even with all my knowledge of Compassion, and having already been to the field to see this ministry in 2004… How have I still missed what my most important commitment and ministry is to my sponsored children?

Back to this lovely family. They live in a 2 room house, that the grandfather owns (but he does not live with them). The house is Made from cement blocks with a leaky fiberglass roof. The first room has 2 beds and a couple shelves. One bed for the parents and one for 2 of the boys. The next room had a small kitchen area and another bed for the rest of the children. It was hard to see how those 3 small beds slept 8 people. But they said it sometimes gets very cold and they have to sleep close to keep somewhat warm. It rains a lot here, and the roof leaks. I asked how they stay dry to sleep when it rains and the father shrugged and said, “that is life here”. They have a small courtyard area with a table and chairs for eating and a small pen that houses the guinea pigs they raise. They sell some guinea pigs, but they also eat some, usually once a week on Sundays. That is the only meat they eat, just a tiny bit of guinea pig on Sundays. When we asked if they eat chicken they nodded yes and said- in June. (June is a big holiday month here.) the boys, however, get to eat meat 2 more times each week when they attend the project. And sometimes their siblings are able to come and share the food as well. You can see what a huge blessing it would be as parents to know your children are able to get better nutrition, it is a hard and humbling thing to not be able to provide for your children.

It took awhile for this to come out, but the father admitted finally that he does not have a job right now. He lost his job and since has been looking for work. He helps his neighbors with any farming when they have work, but for the last 2 weeks has had nothing. He had to take a loan for his wife to have a hernia surgery last week, and has no prospects for being able to pay it off.

We headed to a nearby cornfield that his relatives let him plant and harvest a little plot, and the began picking corn and the beans they grew around the corn stalks. He explained that they picked the corn at a certain time when it was dry, so they could cook the kernels into a drink that is heavy and makes their stomachs feel full. After lunch we attempted to help husk the corn and remove the kernels. Of course Daniel put us all to shame with his speed… I’m sure he finished 5 cobs for every one we did. They showed us how they dry and grind the corn to make cornmeal as well.

We shared a meal with them, which was a way to bless them because it was provided by the project and included chicken. W made sure to leave extras for leftovers, and a gift basket full of food as well.

I don’t believe that most of the family is saved, so if you think to pray for them it would be very needed.

After our home visits the children and women of the project prepared a special valentines day program for us, with traditional songs and dances. I love watching their shy faces as they perform… No doubt having been highly anticipating the chance to perform, and yet totally self conscious when the time came. They were so delightful to watch!

We broke into 5 groups with the children and played games together and each group had a piñata. We had the older students and the girls taught me some Ecuadorian games using a jump rope, and had a good laugh at my pathetic jump rope skills. I have never been very coordinated. but they were very patient and sweet.

Then we served them birthday cake ( it was a huge birthday party, for all of them) and pop, both of which they were excited to receive. I spent some time chatting with a little guy and sharing some candy and silly bands, he had never seen a candy necklace before and thought it was pretty special. He kept talking away to me, even though I couldn’t understand a word… He was super excited about a toothbrush he had received today from a Canadian teacher we have on the trip, and he did tell me through a translator that he was going to carefully clean his teeth before school tomorrow.

We were able to spend some time looking through the project books, their annual budget, the child files, the records of the monthly breakdown of money received. They even showed us the pages where parents must sign off to say they have received the birthday or family gifts sent by sponsors. They have official government issue receipts for every purchase, they carefully account for every dollar. I can say having seen the records first hand, this is an organization with integrity, who takes care of every dollar donated.

And now tonight… Wow this is going to be a long post! I hope you are still with me! Tonight we got to enjoy a musical performance by a very talented group of 5 brothers called the messengers of the king. They are almost all former Compassion children who have grown up to be musicians and teachers and even Compassion project directors! Their testimony was powerful for the value of sponsorship programs.

And now it is bedtime, and here I sit in a beautiful lodge by the lake (alpacas grazing outside our door), With both Jon and I frantically typing to try and get everything from our hearts to these posts. So much for one day to hold! Third world toilets, sunburns, altitude sickness, car sickness, incredible views, sweet eucalyptus breezes, beautiful faces, sweet hugs, awkward, stilted conversations, united worship, laughs and games, hands on work in the fields, sticky little hands to hold, dedicated pastors and volunteers to pray for, a fun and crowded ride in the back of a pickup truck (8 adults and 5 children!), and so much more!

Goodnight!

Compassion 101
(stolen from their website)

We are Christ-centred
Compassion believes the most loving thing we can do for children is to introduce them to Jesus Christ. Nothing is more important than giving children an opportunity to know Jesus and learn the Word of God.

We are Child-focused
Rather than placing our ministry focus on community development, we put the needs of children first! We believe that the best way to benefit a community is to develop its people. When the children in our programs grow into powerful Christian leaders, they help transform their communities. Building up children first, with the help of parents, churches, schools and communities, is an excellent strategy to bring lasting change.

Children in the Compassion program participate in activities with the intention upon graduation they will become responsible, fulfilled Christian adults who will:

Be Christian in faith and deed; committed to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
Maintain good health practices for their physical well-being.
Exhibit the motivation and skills to support themselves and share with others in need.
Be responsible members of their families, churches, communities, and nations.
We are Church-based
Every Compassion project is run in partnership exclusively through a local church and Christian fellowship. Church partners receive curriculum support from Compassion, but they contextualize the interventions they provide the children they serve.

Our Compassion staff, members and partners are committed to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and dedicated to extend His kingdom worldwide. Long after sponsorship has ended, churches still continue to work as agents of change amidst their people.

A Harvest E-news just arrived in my inbox containing this list… how timely. I swear my Dad is in constant consultation with God on what to pound into my head next…

50 Fruits of Pride

1. Want to be Well Known or Important (Isaiah 14:13-15; James 3:13-16; Romans 12:6)
“I am selfishly ambitious. I really want to get ahead and make a name for myself. I want to be someone important in life. I like having a position or title. I far prefer leading to following.”

2. Sinfully Competitive
“I am overly competitive. I always want to win or come out on top and it bothers me when I don‟t.”

3. Want to Impress People (Luke 10:38-42)
“I want people to be impressed with me. I like to make my accomplishments known.”
a. Clothes or jewelry you wear.
b. Vehicle you drive.
c. Furniture you own.
d. House you live in.
e. Place you live.
f. Company you work for.
g. Amount of money you earn.
h. Food you eat.
i. How spiritual you are.
j. What you look like (physical appearance).
k. What you have accomplished.
l. What you know.
m. Where you went to school.
n. Who you know.
o. What your background is.

4. Draw Attention to Myself (Proverbs 27:2)
“I like to be the center of attention and will say or do things to draw attention to myself.”

5. Like to Talk About Myself
“I like to talk, especially about myself or persons or things I am involved with. I want people to know what I am doing or thinking. I would rather speak than listen. I have a hard time being succinct.”

6. Deceitful and Pretentious (Psalm 24:3-4, 26:2-4; Jeremiah 48:10; Proverbs 26:20-26)
“I tend to be deceptive about myself. I find myself lying to preserve my reputation. I find myself hiding the truth about myself, especially about sins, weaknesses, etc. I don‟t want people to know who I really am.”

7. Desire Recognition and Praise (John 5:41-44; Matthew 6:1, 23:5-7)
“I desire to receive recognition and credit for what I do. I like people to see what I do and let me know that they noticed. I feel hurt or offended when they don‟t. I am overly concerned about my reputation and hate being misunderstood.”

8. Not Fulfilled Serving Others (John 3:30)
“I am not very excited about seeing or making others successful. I tend to feel envious, jealous or critical towards those who are doing well or being honoured.”

9. Self Sufficient (Matthew 4:4; John 15:5; Acts 17:25; 2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
“I tend to be self sufficient in the way I live my life. I don‟t live with a constant awareness that my every breath is dependent upon the will of God. I tend to think I have enough strength, ability and wisdom to live and manage my life. My practice of the spiritual disciplines is inconsistent and superficial. I don‟t like to ask others for help.”

10. Anxious (Psalm 4:8; Philippians 4:6-7; 1 Peter 5:6-7)
“I am often anxious about my life and the future. I tend not to trust God and rarely experience his abiding and transcendent peace in my soul. I have a hard time sleeping at night because of fearful thoughts and burdens I carry.”

11. Self Focused (Exodus 4:11; Job 10:8-11; Psalm 139:13-16; Isaiah 53:2; Jeremiah 1:5)
“I am overly self-conscious. I tend to replay in my mind how I did, what I said, and how I came across to others. I am very concerned about my appearance and what people think of me. I think about these things constantly.”

12. Fear Man (Proverbs 29:25)
“I fear man more than God. I am afraid of others and make decisions about what I will say or do based upon this fear. I am afraid to take a stand for things that are right. I am concerned with how people will react to me or perceive my actions or words. I don‟t often think about God‟s opinion in a matter and rarely think there could be consequences for disobeying him. I primarily seek the approval of man and not of God.”

13. Insecure
“I often feel insecure. I don‟t want to try new things or step out into uncomfortable situations because I‟m afraid I‟ll fail or look foolish. I am easily embarrassed.”

14. Compare Myself
“I regularly compare myself to others. I am “performance oriented.” I feel that I have greater worth if I do well.”

15. Perfectionist
“I am self-critical. I tend to be a perfectionist. I can‟t stand for little things to be wrong because they reflect poorly on me. I have a hard time putting my mistakes behind me.”

16. Self Serving (Philippians 2:19-22)
“I am self-serving. When asked to do something, I find myself asking, „How will doing this help me?‟ or „Will I be inconvenienced?‟ I am not focused on the needs and interests of others.”

17. Feel Better or Superior
“I feel special or superior because of what I have or do.”

18. Think Highly of Myself (Romans 12:3, 16; James 2:1-4)
“I think highly of myself. In relation to others I typically see myself as more mature and more gifted. In most situations, I have more to offer than others even though I may not say so. I don‟t consider myself average or ordinary.”

19. Credit Myself (1 Corinthians 4:6-7; 15:10)
“I tend to give myself credit for who I am and what I accomplish. I only occasionally think about or recognize that all that I am or have comes from God. I don‟t consciously transfer all glory to God for any good I have or any good I do.”

20. Self Righteous (Luke 18:9-14)
“I tend to be self-righteous. I can think that I really have something to offer God. I would never say so, but I think God did well to save me. I seldom think about or recognize my total depravity and helplessness apart from God. I regularly focus on the sins of others. I don‟t credit God for any degree of holiness in my life.”

21. Feel Deserving
“I feel deserving. I think I deserve what I have. In fact, I think I ought to have more considering how well I have lived or in light of all I have done.”

22. Ungrateful (Luke 17:11-19; Ephesians 5:19-20; 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; Colossians 3:15-17; Philippians 2:14)
“I often feel ungrateful. Instead of thanking other people, I tend to complain about them. I grumble about what I don‟t have or my lot in life. I am not amazed by grace on a regular basis and lack joy in my life.”

23. Captive to Self Pity
“I find myself wallowing in self-pity. I am consumed with how I am treated by God and others. I tend to feel mistreated and hate being misunderstood. I seldom recognize or sympathize with what‟s going on with others around me because I feel that I have it worse than they do.”

24. Jealous and Envious (James 3:13-16)
“I can be jealous or envious of others abilities, possessions, positions, accomplishments or friends. I want to be what others are or want to have what others have. I think I deserve or should have the good things other people do. I find it hard to rejoice when others are blessed by God.”

25. Unkind and Harsh (Ezekiel 16:49; Psalm 17:10; Proverbs 24:17-18; Luke 10:25-37)
“I am pretty insensitive to others. I feel some people just aren‟t worth caring about. I have a hard time showing compassion or extending mercy to others. Some people aren‟t worth my time and attention.”

26. Love to Reveal My Mind (Proverbs 18:2)
“I like to reveal my own mind. I have an answer for practically every situation and an opinion on every subject. I feel compelled to balance everyone else out and let them know my thoughts.”

27. Know It All (1 Corinthians 8:1)
“I have a know-it-all attitude. I am impressed by my own knowledge and understanding of things. I feel like there isn‟t much I can learn from other people, especially those less mature than me.”

28. Like People to Know I Know
“I feel compelled to stop people when they start to share something with me I already know.”

29. Hard to Admit I Don‟t Know
“I find it hard to admit it when I don’t know something. When someone asks me something I don‟t know, I will make up an answer rather than admit I don’t know.”

30. Don‟t Listen to Ordinary People
“I have a hard time listening to ordinary people. I listen better to those I respect or people I am wanting to leave with a good impression. I don‟t honestly listen when someone else is speaking because I am usually planning what I am going to say next.”

31. Interruptive
“I interrupt people regularly. I don‟t let people finish what they are saying.”

32. Don‟t Get Much Out of Teaching
“I don’t get much out of the teaching. I tend to evaluate the speaker rather than my own life. I grumble about hearing something a second time.”

33. Thinking of Others During Teaching
“I listen to teaching with other people in mind. I constantly think of those folks who need to hear and apply this teaching and wish they were here.”

34. Not Teachable (Proverbs 12:1)
“I‟m not very open to input. I don‟t pursue correction for my life. I tend to be unteachable and slow to repent when corrected. I don‟t really see correction as a positive thing. I am offended when people probe the motivations of my heart or seek to adjust me.”

35. Don‟t Admit Wrong Doing (Proverbs 28:13; James 5:16)
“I have a hard time admitting that I am wrong. I find myself covering up or excusing my sins. It is hard for me to confess my sins to others or to ask for forgiveness.”

36. Do Not Welcome Correction (Proverbs 15:12)
“I view correction as an intrusion into my privacy rather than an instrument of God for my welfare. I can‟t identify anyone who would feel welcome to correct me.”

37. Resent People Who Correct Me (Proverbs 9:7-9)
“I resent people who attempt to correct me. I don‟t respond with gratefulness and sincere appreciation for their input. Instead I am tempted to accuse them and dwell on their faults. I get bitter and withdraw.”

38. Contentious and Argumentative (James 1:19-20)
“When corrected, I become contentious and argumentative. I don‟t take people‟s observations seriously. I minimize and make excuses or give explanations.”

39. Get Angry or Offended With Others (1 Corinthians 6:7)
“I am easily angered and offended. I don‟t like being crossed or disagreed with. I find myself thinking, “I can‟t believe they did that to me.” I often feel wronged. I hate to be misunderstood by others especially those I respect and desire to think highly of me.”

40. Constantly in Conflicts (Proverbs 13:10)
“I have “personality conflicts” with others. I have a hard time getting along with certain kinds of people. People regularly tell me they struggle with me.”

41. Have Little Esteem or Respect for Others (Numbers 16:1-3)
“I lack respect for other people. I don‟t think very highly of most people. I have a hard time encouraging and honoring others unless they really do something great.”

42. Do Violence with My Mouth (Psalm 101:5; Romans 3:13-14; 3 John 1:9-10)
“I am a slanderer. I find myself either giving or receiving evil reports about others. I am not concerned about the effect of slander on me because of my maturity level. I think I can handle it. I only share with others the things I think they really need to know. I don‟t tell all. Anyway, the things I say or hear about people are usually true.”

43. Sow Discord (Proverbs 28:25)
“I am divisive. My actions and attitudes separate people rather than unite people. My words frequently undermined the confidence and trust people have in one another. I also tend to resist or resent authority. I don‟t like other people to give me orders or directions.”

44. Demean or Belittle Others
“With a motivation to put people in their place or look good myself, I like to demean or put others down. They need my adjustment. This includes leaders. Other people need to be humble and have a “sober” assessment of themselves.”

45. Critical
“I tend to be critical of others. I find myself feeling or talking negatively about people. I subtly feel better about myself when I see how bad someone else is. I find it far easier to evaluate than to encourage someone else.”

46. Self Willed and Stubborn
“I am self-willed and stubborn. I have a hard time cooperating with others. I really prefer my own way and often insist on getting it.”

47. Independent (Proverbs 18:1; Luke 1:51-52)
“I am independent and uncommitted. I don‟t really see why I need other people. I can easily separate myself from others. I don‟t get much out of the small group meetings.”

48. Unaccountable (Acts 2:42; Hebrews 10:25)
“I am unaccountable. I don‟t ask others to hold me responsible to follow through on my commitments. I don‟t really need accountability for my words and actions.”

49. Unsubmissive (Hebrews 13:17; 1 Peter 5:5)
“I am unsubmissive. I don‟t like being under the authority of another person. I don‟t see submission as a good and necessary provision from God for my life. I have a hard time supporting and serving those over me. I don‟t “look up” to people and I like to be in charge. Other people may need leaders but I don‟t. It is important that my voice is always heard.”

50. Feel Mature
“I really appreciate somebody taking the time to put this paper together. It will really be a big help to my friends and family. However, I don‟t really need this because I think I’m pretty humble already.”

-Compiled by Brent Detwiler from here

I have a serious rebellious streak running through me. Over the years God has chipped away slowly at times, left me to myself at times, and done drastic things to drive me to my knees at times. All of the above have definitely softened me up a bit… praise the Lord for His unending grace and patience!

Evidence of this deeply ingrained rebellious streak was present even in my Sunday School days. I don’t know that I’ve ever told anyone this, but at some point during my childhood I began going out of my way to avoid saying the name Jesus. Every Sunday School song was about Jesus, every answer to every question was Jesus, and for some reason that got under my skin and I began disliking the name. Christ, Lord, Saviour, but not Jesus. As an adult I find this disturbing, and could probably spend a lot of time analyzing that phase (that actually lasted until adulthood (at least in habit), when I truly fell in love with Jesus and His precious name). But the simple bottom line is pride, twisted and illogical. If everyone else is saying it or doing it, it’s not for me.

Apparently some of this same attitude has clung on over the years, because when Jon introduced me to Professor Horner’s Bible reading system I turned my nose up. He printed off the bookmarks for me. Ashley Dew laminated them for me. All of this in January 2011. I cast them all aside and instead struggled all of last year trying to find a way to faithfully be in the Word.

At the beginning of this year Jon was raving about how this plan was helping him in his quiet times and how he was growing. Then a Facebook group full of lovely people I call friends began challenging and encouraging each other to follow this plan. My dad endorses it. I declared this the year of surrender and determined in my heart that the one thing I could do to make this year different from last is to read large amounts of my Bible faithfully. Then Jon encouraged all our youth to get on board and begin this program (and some of my 11 year old small group girls have taken up that challenge!!!) BUT NOT ME.

So here I am, February 3rd. This morning I was doing my Tuesday morning Bible study workbook and was challenged by the question if there is any area I am refusing to obey God. Immediately the Professor Horner’s Bible Reading System came to mind. Obviously there is no where in the Bible it says, ‘Thou must complete Professor Horner’s Bible reading plan’. However, it does say in Deuteronomy that the Word of the Lord should be written on my heart and fill my whole life. Kinda hard to do without deeply ingesting it daily.

I sat there this morning considering why I had been refusing a plan that is carefully and methodically laid out and endorsed heartily by so many people of influence in my life. When for over a year my battle to be in the Word has been the same and no great victory or advancement has been made on my own efforts… why wouldn’t I commit to trying an aid that seems perfectly suited to my needs?

Pride can be a bizarre thing. It throws aside reason and chooses foolishness when wisdom is right there for the having, simply because humility is the cost. The attitude that resulted in my refusal to say the name Jesus is the same attitude I found this morning when I examined my heart for the reason I would not commit to a Bible reading plan (any Bible reading plan really).

But 2012 is the year of surrender. It may have taken me 34 days of the year to make the first step of obedience… but here I am. The Professor Horner bookmarks are in my Bible and I start TODAY.

Don’t know why I felt I had to post this… perhaps I needed the extra pride crushing… perhaps I needed my admission and commitment in black and white and where my husband will see it. It’s funny… early in our marriage I prayed the Lord would grow my husband and now his maturity shines a light on my sin and makes me all kinds of uncomfortable. But that’s a humbling conversation for another day…

“She’s as sweet as the summer time
And strong as the sunshine”

“Do not think you are getting no good from the Bible, merely because you do not see that good day by day. The greatest effects are by no means those which make the most noise, and are most easily observed. The greatest effects are often silent, quiet, and hard to detect at the time they are being produced.

Think of the influence of the moon upon the earth, and of the air upon the human lungs. Remember how silently the dew falls, and how imperceptibly the grass grows. There may be far more doing than you think in your soul by your Bible-reading. (J. C. Ryle, Practical Religion)”

My husband emailed this to our youth today… such a timely reminder for one who likes quick results.

I’m so enjoying the old hymns at the end of the new David Crowder album, and this one in particular…

Jesus, Jesus how I trust you
How I proved you o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Oh for Grace to trust Him more

‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His word
Just to rest upon his promise
Just to know, thus saith the Lord

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him
How I proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Oh for grace to trust Him more