Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.
C. S. Lewis
Tomorrow is my 30th birthday.
Not entirely sure what I think about that. I guess I can choose to not really think about it, but then, I love anything that remotely resembles a new beginning… as an opportunity to look ahead and behind.
My big goal before 30 was to lose some weight. Yesterday I hit my weight loss goal of 15 pounds, so in some silly ways, I feel like I enter my 30’s from a good place. It’s more than just being a bit thinner though, I think, it’s sort of that… well… after 29 years of steadily increasing along the same path, I changed the direction of the tides. After 29 years of frequently quitting and lacking self discipline, I actually stuck to something and achieved a goal. That feels kind of landmark for me, in a way that has nothing to do with the vanity of weighing less. It makes me excited for the possibility of what my 30’s could hold. Having possibilities and some unknown element in the future has always been important to me, I find it hopeful.
But 30. I feel like I should be sad or something. Isn’t 30 the “over the hill” birthday? It certainly feels a long way off from young adulthood. And yet, there is a part of me that quite enjoys being a “walking and talking adult”. I like that I am beginning to understand myself better and care less about the opinions of others. Every year I care less about looking foolish, which is pretty huge for someone as self-conscious as I have always been.
When I examine my spiritual life I have even more to consider. I mean, I’m 10 whole years out of Bible college now. 10 years since the tumult of teenage years. Have I grown enough in those 10 years? Have I maintained or grown or lost the fire and hope and expectancy of those years? Those 10 years have given me a long list of experiences of His faithfulness. I feel more tested in my faith, more stable in my understanding of and reaction to the ebbs and flows of spiritual life. But I also feel more jaded sometimes. And total surrender is still a daily battle. I’m still struggling to embrace the worthwhileness of the job before me. In theory it’s very worth it, but from day to day it seems a bit… empty. At 30 I’m thankful for what I know now that I didn’t know then, and sort of humbled by the knowledge that there is still so much that I don’t even know I don’t know yet.
I have lost some of the old invincibility. I’m more careful and cautious now. I worry about my kids falling off things or whether they eat enough vegetables. I don’t like to jump into the swimming pool because I don’t like getting my hair wet. (nothing spells old quite like that to me.) And I get dizzy if I go too high on the swings or a headache when I jump on the trampoline (it’s so jarring!).
And… now I feel silly. Because it’s just a day, just a number, it’s 11:55 right now and in 5 minutes I won’t be any different than I am right now. But sheesh. It IS a really big number.
All grown up?
And…. because who doesn’t love a great recipe?! I made my own birthday cake today from this recipe…
and it was wonderful.