The homeschool process in our house lately looks something like this:
He isn’t enjoying school lately (worksheets are only a small part of our day!!). He just doesn’t want to try, so he puts on that laughy, whiney voice insinuating that I have requested the impossible.
I am determined not to fight or yell so a new tactic was needed. Today was the first time I have ever put him in the corner. Worked like magic. He was there for literally 5 seconds before he came back willing to put up a better effort.
See the progression? He can do great when he puts in a bit of effort. Wish we could skip the battle to get there!
So fun when he realized the 3 he learned to print today is also the M he struggled with yesterday and mastered today!
Last night I had a big cry in my bed as the clock crept towards midnight (emotions are never rational in those hours). My very concerned husband was patient, tender, wonderful; but still the words I really wanted to say would not come out. I don’t want to homeschool. I’m not good at it, and yet I feel called to it. Kinda like motherhood actually! For some reason those tears last night washed away some of my despair and I started again this morning with a calm determination. (or a determination to stay calm.) lol I am pretty sure it is not the homeschooling, but just life in general right now. God is forcing me (gifting me with the lesson) to learn to be content in my weakness, to find joy in my weakness, to press on despite my weakness, to surrender my weakness and see only Him.
There is a pretty good chance I am in one of those winter blues periods. The thought of getting out of bed in the morning is overwhelming. The housework? Yikes. Trying to write emails or call my friends back feels like a monumental undertaking. I am struggling to enjoy my children and not just feel irritated with them all the time. All I can see are my shortcomings. I am consumed by my weaknesses.
I am working my way through My Utmost for His Highest this year and Oswald Chambers words are greatly impacting me.
“Jesus does not take us alone and expound things to us all the time; He expounds things to us as we can understand them. Other lives are parables. God is making us spell our our own souls. It is slow work, so slow that it takes God all time and eternity to make a man and woman after His own purpose. The only way we can be of use to God is to let Him take us through the crooks and crannies of our own characters. It is astounding how ignorant we are about ourselves! We do not know envy when we see it, or laziness , or pride. Jesus reveals to us all that this body has been harbouring before His grace began to work. How many of us have learned to look in with courage?
We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves; it is the last conceit to go. The only One Who understands us is God. The greatest curse in spiritual life is conceit. If we have ever had a glimpse of what we are like in the sight of God, we shall never say, “Oh, I am so unworthy,” because we shall know we are, beyond the possibility of stating it. As long as we are not quite sure that we are unworthy, God will keep narrowing us in until He gets us alone. Wherever there is any element of pride or of conceit, Jesus cannot expound a thing. He will take us through the disappointment of a wounded pride of intellect, through disappointment of heart. He will reveal inordinate affections–things over which we never thought He would have to get us alone. We listen to many things in classes, but they are not an exposition to us yet. They will be when God gets us alone over them.
There are whole tracts of stubbornness and ignorance to be revealed by the Holy Spirit in each one of us, and it can only be done when Jesus gets us alone. Are we alone with Him now, or are we taken us with fussy notions, fussy comradeships in God’s service, fussy ideas about our bodies? Jesus can expound nothing until we get through all the noisy questions of the head and are alone with Him.”
This obsession with myself and what I can or can’t get done and can or can’t do well is revealing a world of pride in me that I didn’t really understand before. It’s a little like our homeschool process… I’ve been given a job, but I am having a little pouty, whiney fit because I know I can’t do it perfectly. I’ve spent some time in a very dark corner. This morning I picked that pencil back up. And with my hope and sight set firmly on Him I can and will “do the next thing”. Now I’m looking forward to that moment when I see the 3 is the M (the fruit of this hard learned lesson).
The other night I wrote in my moleskine…
“Rouse yourself up and look to God. Build your hope on Him. No matter if there are a hundred and one things that press, resolutely exclude them all and look to Him.” -Oswald Chambers
Rest in Jesus. The things you didn’t get done today? The things you didn’t do well today? Surrender to Him. Focus on Him.
“I will cry to God Most High, to God who accomplishes all things for me.”