I tried to quit blogging for the summer. I was retreating. Looking for cover everywhere. Was my tail tucked in? All my parts well hidden? I wanted nothing to show. Nothing to be revealed.
My New Years resolution is to be real and really honest. In one of my favourite quotes ever, The Velveteen Rabbit tells me:
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day…
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you….”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.“
I’m trying to embrace that, but lately I’ve been feeling like one of those people who break easily, one with sharp edges, one who must be carefully kept. My feelings got hurt, my relationships felt complicated, my insecurities took over, and it just felt safer to be tucked away in my little house for awhile. Would have stayed there too… but of course my dearest Donna Otto had to come and challenge my self-protecting ways.
Anyway. I still feel a little wounded, and a LOT insecure. But perhaps eventually I will come to really learn that God has created me to be who I am, and He will teach me the true meaning of dying to self, how to not take offence, and to not regard my bruised emotions. In the meantime I will keep working on these sharp edges and keep trying to be real.
“We will find our right to be,
Until then, lilacs bloom every spring.”